ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
She announced her abortion via fbk
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
