i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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