im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize