I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
