I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
