I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I will pee on everything he values.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
It's shark week go big or go home
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize