Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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