Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
