My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Randomize
