my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
