Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
