You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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