Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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