Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
