She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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