I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
