I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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