i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
