he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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