I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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