one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
