life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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