last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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