When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
