I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
