Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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