we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
