ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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