Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
