just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
