Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
