ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
