I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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