my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize