I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
