so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
