I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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