Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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