mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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