ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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