I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Randomize
