as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Boobs are out for the taking
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
