he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I don't think brook has ever known best
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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