Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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