wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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