you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
