When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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