Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
