Your face is a jimmy john
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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