That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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