I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
