Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
