bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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