Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize