somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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