You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I think we might need a safe word for this...
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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