and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
