I just pynch a tree in the face
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
