I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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