i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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