girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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