dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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