I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
