pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
