evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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