I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
