this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
